Good Times with a Naughty Book

Before leaving the US, my good friend gave me a book to prepare me for cultural emersion. It’s title…"Making Out in Chinese."
And I must admit I put it to very good use a couple weeks ago when I was at the hospital. The reason for my hospital visit was of nothing urgent. I simply wanted to get some tests done in this great land of cheap health care before darting back stateside where it costs you $200 to pee in a cup and have someone tell you to eat more bananas.
Being a health conscious kinda guy, I wanted the STD-HIV test package for only $17. However seeing as syphilis, gonorrhea, and herpes aren’t in my everyday Chinese vocabulary, I wasn’t quite able to express to the doctors what I was at the hospital for without the use of your favorite book and mine...'Making Out in Chinese."
As my finger scans down the page pointing and searching for the accurate saying to inform the staff what I want, I realize what they are reading the translations of:
-"you have a beautiful body"
-"who farted?"
-"I’ve got my period"
-"take your bra off"
-"are you on the rag?"
-"I am a male virgin"
Suddenly one staff member snatched the book from my grasp and proceeded to show everyone, patients and all, the translations for those just listed as well as "is this your first time" and "your nipples are big."
Their hysterics and my embarrassment aside, I was there for a reason. I got the book back and locate the only phrase that is anywhere near the message I am trying to relay to them.
The saying? "You gave me a sexual disease."
This invoked some shocked and confusing looks. I could see it in their eyes..."how did I give this kid an std? I never slept with him"
Within 20 minutes of opening the book, the dust had settled and the testing commenced.
Of course 3 days later I returned to the hospital to receive the results. Silly of me to expect any privacy in a land of 1.5 billion people; for they gave me a hallway high five and a boisterous congratulations for "passing" all my tests. The only English saying they repeated over and over..."you are very lucky male virgin."
My guess is they don't see many tests come back negative.
Hence I recommend this book for nothing more then its entertainment value…to me and a large majority of the hospital staff here in Jinan.

And on a World Cup note:
Saw the final US world cup match against Ghana last week with a bunch of my Ghana buddies here in China. I bet my passport on the game.
Guess who is now an official citizen of the Republic of Ghana?
Shit. I think i might be getting skinnier real soon.

--DT Willy