Good Times with a Naughty Book

Before leaving the US, my good friend gave me a book to prepare me for cultural emersion. It’s title…"Making Out in Chinese."
And I must admit I put it to very good use a couple weeks ago when I was at the hospital. The reason for my hospital visit was of nothing urgent. I simply wanted to get some tests done in this great land of cheap health care before darting back stateside where it costs you $200 to pee in a cup and have someone tell you to eat more bananas.
Being a health conscious kinda guy, I wanted the STD-HIV test package for only $17. However seeing as syphilis, gonorrhea, and herpes aren’t in my everyday Chinese vocabulary, I wasn’t quite able to express to the doctors what I was at the hospital for without the use of your favorite book and mine...'Making Out in Chinese."
As my finger scans down the page pointing and searching for the accurate saying to inform the staff what I want, I realize what they are reading the translations of:
-"you have a beautiful body"
-"who farted?"
-"I’ve got my period"
-"take your bra off"
-"are you on the rag?"
-"I am a male virgin"
Suddenly one staff member snatched the book from my grasp and proceeded to show everyone, patients and all, the translations for those just listed as well as "is this your first time" and "your nipples are big."
Their hysterics and my embarrassment aside, I was there for a reason. I got the book back and locate the only phrase that is anywhere near the message I am trying to relay to them.
The saying? "You gave me a sexual disease."
This invoked some shocked and confusing looks. I could see it in their eyes..."how did I give this kid an std? I never slept with him"
Within 20 minutes of opening the book, the dust had settled and the testing commenced.
Of course 3 days later I returned to the hospital to receive the results. Silly of me to expect any privacy in a land of 1.5 billion people; for they gave me a hallway high five and a boisterous congratulations for "passing" all my tests. The only English saying they repeated over and over..."you are very lucky male virgin."
My guess is they don't see many tests come back negative.
Hence I recommend this book for nothing more then its entertainment value…to me and a large majority of the hospital staff here in Jinan.

And on a World Cup note:
Saw the final US world cup match against Ghana last week with a bunch of my Ghana buddies here in China. I bet my passport on the game.
Guess who is now an official citizen of the Republic of Ghana?
Shit. I think i might be getting skinnier real soon.

--DT Willy

The Eastern Rule of Thumb

Pretty amazing what happens to the social norm in just 75 years. For example here in China:

"The accepted attitude of a man towards his wife was summed up in the old saying: a wife should be treated like a horse--driven and beaten regularly. If any husband didn't beat his wife, people thought he was afraid of her."

Another solid family tradition included:

"After a girl was married she was scolded and beaten by her mother-in-law. When she grew older and became a mother-in-law herself, she scolded and beat her daughter-in-law in turn. If she behaved any other way, she wouldn’t be considered a proper mother-in-law."

So basically in their Buddhist context, if you were a woman back then you keep your fingers crossed that in your next life you're reincarnated somewhere between a cricket, a horse, or a toenail.
At least they don't have to bind and wrap their feet anymore like a bad masochistic Christmas gift.

Happy thoughts from Jinan!

--dt willy

eye to eye

"It looks like two big eggs on a little plate."
---a students description of what our western eyes look like.

I love it. Here in China ive finally found a place where my honker of a nose takes a back seat to the size of my peepers.