Week 2's in the Books

So what better place to start week 2 then my mouth.
Some serious funk has gone down the hatch in these past 17 days. But whats really great is that they don't tell you what you are eating until you are at least 6-12 chews into the bite. For example,
- pumpkin soup with white lil floaties is actually frog egg soup
- some meat on a stick is not just meat...its crispy chicken heart
- cooked liver, which is nasty enough, isn't such. Upon further inquiry with the cook on what I was eating, and lacking a common language to explain it in...the chef bahhed like a sheep and pointed to his crotch.
What? Great. Didnt wake up thinking I had a craving for sheep penis, but low and behold....damn thing was one of the chewiest things Ive ever munched.

So I know its hard to believe, but this past monday was the first day since I've been in country that my toilet time has been extended from a normal 'few minutes' to 'gotta get off this thing cause my legs are falling asleep.'
Yep. Not sure what it was, but I got a severe case of ass faucet for a solid (excuse the wishful pun) 24 hours.

Wish I could blame it on the rough weekend I had, but it really wasnt that rough. It started off with a trip to the Wild Animal Park with my friend George just outside of town. Who'd a thunk that the first tigers, lions, bears, giraffes, leapords, panthers, and house dogs I'd see in China were all in wee little pens. The living conditions were not for the weak of heart. Most of their animal jail cells smelled like the bathroom in my apartment, was about the same size, yet was shared with one or 2 of the same or similar species. PETA would have a virtual cow if they saw this place.
No joke about the house dogs. They have an entire area of the zoo with dogs. Huskies, Collies, Pitbulls, Labs, and of course Mutts. Benji wouldnt stand a chance. They are either saving them for a banquet or celebrating the year of the dog by lumping them all together in cages. Its kinds like going to the pound in America....except you can't get them out.
Then we saw the monkeys! How fun! Monkeys! They swing, they jump, they play, they look like me with a smaller nose!
But wait. Not these monkeys. They sat. They starred. They slept. Hell, I'd have almost been happy to have one of them show some life and hurl some poo at me. That is until we busted out the monkey snacks we bought...then they were all over the fence like lice on, well, monkeys.
So there I was standing there with monkey food in one hand, feeding them through the fence, and I was also eating a snack with my other hand. And it wasnt just any snack, it was the very last american granola bar I had brought from the states. My last piece of home. Soooo tasty!
I thought I had the situation under control, grubbing away, until from across the pen, ol crazy eyes swung over. Now ol crazy eyes was the oldest monkey in the bunch and hence held the most power. All the other monkeys respected ol crazy eyes. Why? Maybe because he was old or maybe because his eyes were off. Like a pinball machine that won't play right because it's been tilted...thats ol crazy eyes. That animal had seen some shit back in the war--- you could tell by looking into his eyes.

Anyways,That bastard monkey swung over, stuck his arm fully through the bars and snagged my precious half eat'n granola bar right out of my hand. He flew over to a corner of the cage, finished eating it, turned around looked at me, and i kid you not, laughed at me.
And thats when the other chinese tourists joined in. I stood there, granola crumbs on my shirt, empty wrapper in hand, and getting laughed at by a handful of camera wielding-chinese tourists...and that blasted monkey chump.

The highlight of this animal cruelty farm was staring down and being chased by 2 lions. Were they in their pen? Yep. Was I? Nope. But being just a few inches from its jaws was reminder enough of how much tastier I'd be than, say....sheep cock.
After this we wondered over to the Tiger pen which provided some X-rated entertainment. Yep, you guessed it. Tiger porn.
Within 5 minutes of standing there, the male danced over to a female, sniffed her posterior, and well...mounted up. Of course being the civlized individual I am, I turned away in shock...and to get my camera. Boy did I get some fun pictures. That is until the 3 pump tiger chump flopped off her and fell asleep in the sun. Cheering the guy tiger on did no good. He just layed there. Nature can be such a let down sometimes.

So the whole Wild Animal Park experience was interesting, yes. But when you come visit will we go? Probably not. Unless of course you bring a copy of George Orwell's Animal Farm to leave them. My bet is the monkeys have the best chance of reading it. Smart little granola-hippie buggers.

T. Willy