One Month Anniversary Weekend

Yep. Been here for one month now and what did I do to celebrate? Dropped trou, ate unidentifiable crunchiness, sang the Canadian anthem, and watered my plants with chinese hot sauce. Yes I feel stable...why do ask?

This past weekend was a non-travel weekend for me. Had to work on Friday preparing some of my students for their job interviews next week with the only 7-Star hotel in all the land...Dubai. Who doesnt want to find a nice little sunny spot in UAE to settle down in and sweat? Saturday was spent hunting down 400 RMB ($50) motorbikes to purchase...no luck (not yet at least). A pack of foreigners trying to get a deal in this town is like a senior citizen ordering off the Burger King Kids menu...it just ain't gonnna happen.
Later that day I found myself at the Traditional Chinese Medicine Hospital. I had some acupuncture done on my ol bum left wheel of a knee. The doc stuck 6 needles (yes, shiney and unused) at various spots around my knee. They then attached electrodes to the ends of the needles and cranked up the electricity; getting the needles, a few muscles, and my pants twitching. "Lay back, relax, and restore your ying and yang energy" the nurse said. Okily dokily.
After fun-with-needles-time was over, I told the nurse that the past week I've been battling a cold. I figured, when in Rome, why not use gerbil hair, peanut shells, and octopus nuts for a cure. Well, it wasnt exactly that. Instead what they did was take 4 rounded glass jars, stick pieces of alcohol-soaked tissue, light them ablaze, and jab the entire thing directly onto my back. Its called fire cupping...or 4th century flaming bullshit (however you want to look at it).
The nurse would light one jar on fire, stick it onto my back, and do the same with the next 3. However once she placed the lid of the torched glass to my skin, a suction would form stronger than a plunger on a mirror. This would raise the skin, muscle, blood, and any nearby organ up and into the jar. Leave on for 10 seconds, squeal, and repeat for the next 10 minutes.
Its been 3 days and my back still looks like I met a girl who knows how to give perfectly rounded hickies...about 38 of them across the ol back.
Of course the day after this 'cure' I had a soccer game at which I took my shirt off to put on our team jersey...right in front of the entire team. A chorus of chinese chitter chatter commenced followed by a universally understood "What the hell's wrong with you boy?" To try and assure them they didnt sign a leper onto the squad, I proceeded to act out 'fire cupping' as it happened at the hospital (don't have the vocab for that one yet). Judging from their rate of laughter, they loved the show I put on even more. Forget it, I thought. You signed on a foreigner with a girlfriend who smiles like a perfect doughnut.
So we played our soccer match that day...or should I say we played half of it. Why? Because here in China, when corrupt Chinese Communist Mafia members aren't getting hookers, getting fat at expensive eateries, or getting another hooker, they are buying their way into taking over the one soccer field 300 kids have to play on. And thats just what they did. They paid off the field manager, he cut our game short, and it was game on for these no-talent mafia porkers.
With 4 foreigners on our team, we don't quite possess the roll-over-and-take-it mentality that the rest of our passive chinese team members have. Hence we didn't leave the field. Good luck playing around us. Tiananmen Square standoff on the soccer pitch...minus the tanks. Eventually, after some empty, unrecognizable curses and threats thrown from both sides, we walked away to continue our game 20 minutes later.
I should have just shown them my back.

Sunday also found me at the cultural market looking for a few things to buy for my apartment and such. Note to self. Make sure you know your numbers before heading out to the market to bargain. After scoring a few solid purchases, I made my way to a street vendor with a nice array of Chairman Mao little red books used during the Cultural Revolution. 'What a nice stocking stuffer' I thought. 'How much for a book' I asked the seller. He replied- 20. In my mind I counter offered with 5. In reality, my mouth counter offered with 50. He quickly and emphatically accepted. Stroking my ego on how good I was getting at this bargaining dance, I was abruptly humbled realizing my mouth betrayed my mind. This I didn't realize until i whipped out a 5, witnessed his big smile go sour, and deny the offer. No wonder they try and rip off foreigners. With a move like that, I'd try and rip me off too.
Another nice weekend in Jinan.
Let's just hope the memories from it last longer than the circles on my back.

--T. Willy